● Don't Pass The Port
Hurrah for the Port of Alcúdia! As the evenings darken and the boards go up, it's great to report that all five British bars in the port are opening for most of the winter. New kid on the block is Sandra's Sports Bar, recently installed at the old Rio's site. Sandra and her family have completely refurbished the bar and have already hit the ground running. Guaranteed warm Welsh welcome. Smugglers Bar is a real family affair with Eileen and Barry offering the ambience of a real English pub and Alcúdia's best Sunday Roast. Other highlights include Buster the dog and discussions about morning sickness.

Comics Bar serves the port's best value English breakfast. Special mention to daytime waitress Janet who consistently serves all customers with efficiency and good humour. The Highlander Bar addresses the Celtic Fringe with emphasis on Scottish and Irish breakfasts and Scottish and Irish TV sport. Oceano Bar on the Paseo Marítimo is perfect for yacht and people-watching while soaking up the winter sun (fingers crossed). Great toasties, tea cakes, hot chocolate and brandies.

● Doctor, No!
Having had bad weather holiday experiences over the last few years in Thailand, Mexico and Jamaica, my cousin decided to play it safe and have a short break here in Alcúdia. So what happens? Mini Tsunami and Tornado the day she arrived. She is (in)famous in our family for both her bad luck and for the time (when she was nine) she gave a medical update on her mother's impending delivery: "The doctor says if Mummy doesn't give birth by Friday he is going to have to seduce her".

● Brought To Heel
Great to see BBC's Strictly Come Dancing has returned to grace our TV screens and brighten up the coming winter nights. The world of Astaire and Rogers comes alive in this extravaganza of glamour, glitz and sequins. Well, almost. Of course, Ginger Rogers was too much of a lady to publicly complain that Fred Astaire received most of the acclaim. However, she did once utter my all time favourite Hollywood quote: "People forget I did everything Fred did - but backwards and in heels!"

● Manners Cost Nothing
Bar workers are used to being asked the same questions by tourists ten times a day. Where's the chemist / bus stop / newsagent? Some dream of the answers they'd love to give.
Q: Do you live here? A: No, I commute.
Q: How long have you been here? A: Since half nine this morning.
Q: What have you done to the weather? A: Did you pay the extra Sun Surcharge?

Steve at Little Britain Supermarket tells me their most common request is where to buy Paracetemol, which probably speaks volumes for the pill popping nation the UK has become. Anyway, well done to all those who have handled all those repeated requests with courtesy to the last, however exasperating. To those who have sometimes found themselves being short with tourists, just imagine it was your parents asking. How would you want them to be treated?

● Pass the Werther's #2
Another sign of advancing years is when you switch from Radio 1 to Radio 2. Incredible to think both stations are now 40 years old! Of course Radio 2 was created out of the Light Programme and Family Choice but nowadays its roster of DJs such as Terry Wogan and Chris Evans deliver consistently entertaining radio - truly the "station of the nation". You can listen to Radio 2 on Sky Channel 0102. Via the BBC website you can listen live to any BBC radio station. If you haven't done this before just log on to www. bbc.co.uk/radio and click on the 'Launch BBC Radio Player' button. (Best bit is you can listen again to any programme from the previous seven days - even catch up on The Archers).

● Virgin On The Ridiculous
Friends confirm that London shops are already festooned with Christmas decorations and adverts. Virgin is using the slogan "Thank Virgin For Christmas" which I suppose has some logic to it. My favourite so far is "Pizza on Earth to All Men" from Pizza Hut. I'm sure there will be many more as it ain't over till the fat man shops.

● And Finally
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old. George Burns.

You can contact John Nelson on e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it